Starting a New Relationship after a Bad Break Up

Starting a new relationship after a bad break up

The photo above was taken almost exactly a year ago. I was set to host a Valentine’s Day event for Bumble at a local venue. I was more than a year into being single, completely happy with my autonomy, and probably headed off to another plane ride somewhere new. Today, I am four months into a new relationship. I’m just as content and happy as I look in this photo. After more than one bad breakup, I wasn’t sure I’d find peace in love again. I’m here to say I have.  A few longtime followers asked for new relationship advice. Today’s the day, friends, that I put together a few tips and steps that I’ve personally taken to let myself love again. But first…

The bad stuff

For those of you who’ve been following along for many years, you know that I’ve been divorced once and also went through another long, painful break up two years ago. Both involved some betrayal. Most recently, that betrayal involved several of my friends and acquaintances. 

I then spent the next two years pursuing my passions, living freely, and traveling the world. It was the first extended period of time I had been single.  I wrote a little about my single life in this post.  I tried a dating app. I met some lovely people. I had a few close calls, but nothing quite stuck. I wasn’t confident anything ever would. I stopped looking. I decided I would be totally fine being single for many years to come. I focused on myself, my family, and my work.

Then, one day I met somebody.

I was out and about with friends at a good, classic Richmond bar. I said hi to him first. In fact, my close friend introduced us. Something drew me over and made me sit down and stay. Five months later and we’re official. He’s wild and fun like me. He’s curious and caring. He’s busy with work, friends and family. He’s a total goof and has the most uncurated Instagram account I have ever seen. He was patient. He was open. 

We told each other early on that we’d both been through some betrayal. We’d been hurt. Trust was something neither of us gave out freely.  I felt like I was getting my training wheels back on when we decided to go all in.

Like all of life’s big and small moments, I’ve reflected a lot about the past handful of months. I’ve heard your requests for advice. As a result, I put together a few tips and steps that I’ve personally taken to allow myself to feel love and be loved. I’m still learning, but these things seem to be helping get things started right so far. 

Communication

This may sound like repetitive advice to share. I’m going to share it anyway. Communication is the most valuable tool to any human in this world. Use it. Communication isn’t always comfortable, either. Willingness to be uncomfortable, to express your desires, fears, and expectations are absolutely crucial if you are recovering from some sort of hurt and betrayal. The two parties must agree that open and uncomfortable honesty are a necessity. It has to be welcomed without judgement. Because you’ve been through something painful, you can avoid it in the future. Don’t make someone guess. You have to share it, so you can meet each other where you are.  When you share what’s troubling you, you can get over hurdles much more quickly that may have taken years with another partner. If you have similar painful experiences, you can help each other open up even more, too.

Relax

This is probably one of the things that made this whole car get on the highway ramp in the first place. It was a very slow start. We’re both busy. We both own businesses. We both have families and responsibilities. We’re in our 30s, for goodness sake. Neither of us pressured the other one to spend time we didn’t have. When we did have time, we didn’t over plan it. It was relaxed and natural. We both set our expectations low. Neither of us were pressed for a relationship. It would’ve been fine if it was unofficial for a while. Without the pressure, the extra breathing room allowed a few more things to grow. Under pressure, they may have burnt out quickly. 

Privacy

I may be an influencer, but everyone can relate. We all have social media accounts, work friends, family members, and friend groups. I kept a lot of those early months together to myself. A few close personal friends knew I was seeing somebody and had caught feelings, but otherwise no one really knew. When we made it official, I told close family and friends. I still kept it very quiet. I didn’t want to hide, but I wanted my feelings to be MINE. I was doing this for ME. I didn’t want anyone weighing in and pushing me one way or the other. I’ve had enough of that in my life. By keeping it private, I feel like things were allowed to authentically develop. I was able to listen to myself better. 

Tune in to your feelings

If I am feeling any sort of discomfort, uneasiness, guilt, or stress from our interactions, I acknowledge them. I don’t ignore them. If you don’t give those feelings a chance to breathe, they’ll come back later and feel even worse. Share them with yourself, your friends, and your partner right away. Frankly, I’m here writing this article, because there haven’t been that many bad feelings.  Yes, we had our first fight. Yes it sucked. But I’m glad we both said what was on our mind. It was a relief after it was all over. At this age, there are some beliefs, feelings and habits that simply won’t change for either of us.  We all have ugly sides, especially if we’ve been through some ugly shit. The goal of a relationship should never be to change someone or yourself. So, if something doesn’t feel right to you now, it won’t later. Listen to your gut and share your thoughts and feelings. Be yourself, even the ugly parts.

Be ready to grow

The future is something none of us can predict. An open mind is your greatest defense against the unknown. I look forward to seeing where this road takes me, takes us, and takes the rest of the people I love and care for. Every relationship is different and therefore evolves and changes differently. I’m here to keep evolving and become a better person along the way. I’m excited to have someone who cares enough to join me. Thank you, Erik.

Now, get out there

If you’ve been hurt and are thinking you’re ready for a relationship, you can do it. Trust me. Don’t rush. Be honest. Don’t let the world decide for you. Decide for yourself.